


Tightrope-Crankiplier

by Ship_Addict378



Series: Crankiplier Oneshots [4]
Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Death, Death, Depressing, Depression, Gay, Goodbyes, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Ethan Nestor, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, What Have I Done, song: Tightrope (The Score)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:53:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25500928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ship_Addict378/pseuds/Ship_Addict378
Summary: Ethan has been depressed for a while now and finally gives up, not realising just how much he's leaving behind.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: Crankiplier Oneshots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1847356
Comments: 6
Kudos: 126





	Tightrope-Crankiplier

** Ethan’s POV **

_I can’t be everything that you want me to_

_Fill my mind up with silly things is all I seem to do_

_And people look like they’re specks of dust_

_when you’re this high off the ground_

_I’m doing my best not to let you do_

_So, feet, don’t fail me now, ‘cause_

“I don’t remember exactly when I became depressed, or even when I got my first suicidal thought. But I sure as hell remember when I realised I was in love with Mark. It was just a normal Sunday, we were lounging around on the couch in the living room watching movies and binge-watching shows when Mark fell asleep and accidentally fell onto my shoulder, snoring quietly and I looked at him and it just clicked. He was my entire world. The only problem was that I wasn’t his, and I never would be, he’d too good for me, I’d never be worthy of his love. He’s gorgeous and talented and funny and kind and happy, way out of my league. I think that’s when the depression started, when I realised just how impossible it was for me to ever be with him. About a year later was when I started considering suicide.”

_I am walking a tightrope_

_I am walking it for you_

_I am living on high hopes_

_Now they’re, now they’re crashing through, so_

_I hold my breath and close my eyes_

_I grab my heart when I realise_

_I am walking the tightrope for you_

“I started becoming distant, staying in my room most of the time and only interacting with people for colab videos or when I bumped into Mark walking around the house when I left my room to get food. Every single day I went into the bathroom, stared at the scars covering my body before getting in the shower, and considered adding two more, straight down my wrists and ending it all. But I didn’t, because I still loved Mark and I knew that even if he could never see me in a romantic way, he still cared about me on some level and I couldn’t leave him in this horribly cruel world by himself. I couldn’t put him through the pain of losing a roommate, even if I thought he probably wouldn’t care that much or even be upset by it. So, I tried my hardest top stay strong and put on my best smile around Mark, he never noticed anything was wrong.”

_I’m fighting with gravity, trying not to fall_

_But how come the ones we love can make us feel so small?_

_Oh, people look like they’re specks of dust_

_When you’re this high off the ground_

_But everyone’s got a line to walk_

_We gotta keep from looking down, no_

“After a few months, staying hopeful and happy everyday became exhausting, constantly having to put on a front so nobody saw the amount of pain I was in on the inside. It was also really hard to pretend to be happy when people are always putting you down and making you feel like shit. I don’t think Mark meant to do it, or realised what he was doing but every insult he aimed at me, every tease or hurtful joke he made for the camera hit me harder than even I could have predicted. Things that were stupid and sarcastic, things that so obviously didn’t mean anything, still hurt me. I hated myself for letting them get to me but they did and I couldn’t even tell Mark how much.”

_I am walking a tightrope_

_I am walking it for you_

_I am living on high hopes_

_Now they’re, now they’re crashing through, so_

_I hold my breath and close my eyes_

_I grab my heart when I realise_

_I am walking the tightrope for you_

“I got worse and worse over time. Cutting every day instead of a few times a week. Crying myself to sleep every single night and only getting half an hour in the end anyway, if anything. I mostly gave up my happy façade, only smiling in videos and not even talking to people outside of them. Mark questioned me a few times but I just shrugged him off and he assumed I was just stressed or something I guess. He didn’t seem to really care anyway so I just gave up even trying to please him. I was getting closer and closer to just giving up, throwing in the towel and calling it quits. There was nothing stopping me now that Mark had proven he didn’t give a shit if I was okay or not. But I tried to hang on a little longer, maybe it’d get better. Unlikely, but possible.”

_Oh, the higher we go the farther we fall_

_Two hearts on the line and the winner takes all_

_But nobody wins when it’s all just a show_

_I’m losing my grip, gonna slip_

_Now it’s time to let go_

“One sentence. That was all it took. I was standing at the edge of a cliff, debating whether or not to jump and then one sentence pushed me over. We were filming a cards against humanity video and one of the cards said something about dying. Huh, thinking about it now, I don’t even remember what it was exactly but without even thinking, I replied that I was going to die alone. It was meant as a joke, except I stopped for just a split second and thought about the reality of it and in that split second, everything crumbled. I broke. And I knew exactly what that meant, what was going to come next. I was right, I’m going to die alone. But I’m going to do it on my own terms, I’m not going to sit around waiting to die of old age or some random terminal illness. I’m going to die young and peacefully, being happy that my life is finally over. Because as much as I love Mark, I can’t keep going anymore. So, here I am, telling you the story, explaining to you why I’m about to do this. My beloved fans, my parents, my family, my friends… Mark, I’m sorry and you can call me selfish and call me weak, but I won’t be here to listen to it so go ahead and say what you want. Words can’t reach me 6 feet under. So, this is my final goodbye to you all. Fans, thank you. Parents, I’m sorry. Mark..., I love you.” And with that, I hit post on the video, hit send on my message to Mark and my parents, removed my headphones, and ran the blade over both my wrists. As I slipped away, I heard the heavy, urgent footsteps running up the stairs and to my recording room. I watched through my heavy eyelids as Mark appeared in the doorway, tears running down his cheeks and screams coming from his mouth as he ran over to me, cupping my face and kissing me desperately, like it would bring me back to life. Of course, it didn’t but with every bit of strength I had left and with my final breath I whispered,

“I love you, Mark.” And in the second before it all went black, I could’ve sworn I heard, in a sobbing and broken voice,

“I love you too, Ethan, more than anything.”

_I am walking a tightrope_

_I am walking it for you_

_I am living on high hopes_

_Now they’re, now they’re crashing through, so_

_I hold my breath and close my eyes_

_I grab my heart when I realise_

_I am walking a tightrope_

_For you, for you, for you, oh_

_I am walking a tightrope_

_Woah, woah_

_I am walking a tightrope_

_I am walking a tightrope_

_For you_


End file.
